Words Can't Fix Everything
by Artistard3
Summary: Jesse thinking about his relationship with Rachel and what want wrong, addressing her through dictionary entries
1. Chapter 1

**aberrant, adj.**

"I don't usually kiss on the first date," you said, after we had spent more than fifteen minutes making out in your bedroom.

"I don't either," I assured you.

Later, it turned out we had both kissed people on first dates before, and we had both found ourselves falling too fast before.

We both comforted ourselves with what we really meant to say, which was: "I don't normally feel this good about doing this."


	2. Chapter 2

**abstraction, n.**

Love is one kind of abstraction. There are those moments when I'm laying in bed, curling into the cold sheets, imagining your dark hair curled around my fingers. That's when I try to embrace the idea of you.


	3. Chapter 3

**adamant, adj.**

You swore that A Chorus Line ran on Broadway for 6,447 performances. I said, no, it ran for 6,137 performances. The way you argued, it was like we were debating the existence of God or something.

We looked it up, of course, and even though you knew that I was right, you told me about other times when you were right and I was wrong. You were very sour toward me for the rest of the night. I thought it was cute, though.


	4. Chapter 4

**ardent, adj.**

You have been singing songs from the entire Broadway catalog since you were two. When I was two, I was still learning how to form complicated sentences.


	5. Chapter 5

**awhile, adv.**

I love the way time can be expressed so vaguely. - _I'll be back in awhile- _that could mean a matter of minutes, hours, days, months, or even years.

I took me awhile to know I was in love with you. You waited patiently. I think you knew all along. You were just waiting for me to catch up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Barbra, n.**

The first time I saw you was while you were involved with Babs.

Our first conversation was initiated with my criticism over your _Don't Rain on My Parade_ performance. I like to think that Barbra Streisand was like a liaison, initiating our first encounter. I am very thankful.


	7. Chapter 7

**beseech, v. **

You begged me to go with you to meet your fathers. They really intimidated me. You bribed me with kisses and your hot breath on my skin and I had to give in. Dinner was wonderful, and your dads actually adored me. Most people do, though.


	8. Chapter 8

**Broadway, n.**

"I'm going to star in three productions on Broadway. If I can't do that, then I guess I'll originate my own roll. I'm talented enough," you told me. I smiled. Yes you are.


	9. Chapter 9

**calamity, n.**

When you finished showing the New Directions your _Run Joey, Run video_, I felt my heart shatter.


	10. Chapter 10

**callow, adj.**

The first time we had sex, you kept apologizing for not knowing what to do. I kept saying that it was okay, but you kept blushing. Eventually, I stopped caressing your body, and I let my rough hands caress your face. I pressed my lips against yours and leaned my forehead against yours too.

"I love you. It's okay to not know. We can learn together."

You weaved your fingers through my curls and kissed me even harder than before. I think I heard you mumble 'I love you'.

I loved you too.


	11. Chapter 11

**candid, adj.**

"I've had sex before."

This was, I admit, a weird thing to say on a second date. I guess I was just trying to give you a warning.

"I'm a virgin," you said, sipping your tea, looking me in the eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

**celibacy, n.**

n/a


	13. Chapter 13

**clandestine, adj.**

It was a Friday when I picked you up. You had been staying after school to rehearse a number from Glee.

The minute you hopped in my car, your crashed your lips to mine. It was surprising, actually.

"I've been thinking about this all day," you mumbled against my lips. I moaned quietly. "Me too."

I thread my fingers through your hair to push your lips closer to mine, but I then you broke apart. You reached your hand over me to the side of my seat and pushed the lever down so that the chair sprang backward. You pushed me down and laid on top of me, fervently kissing me.

"We can't let anyone see us, remember?" You breathed. I nodded.


	14. Chapter 14

**cynical, adj.**

When Rachel asked me whether or not I was spying on her club, I think I froze. I was spying; she was right. But I didn't have completely bad intentions. I wasn't using her to get to her team. I like her.

It sucks that there was no way to explain it. I guess life works out that way; people always get hurt.


	15. Chapter 15

**daunting, adj.**

Rachel could come out and tell me everything about herself, which was a little unnerving. She told me all about her dads and her glee club. She trusted me. I think it was because I was one of the first people that was trying to be genuinely kind to her. At first, I didn't have good intentions. But I really didn't want to hurt her.


	16. Chapter 16

**diatribe, n.**

"You always act so sure of yourself, but really, you're just a conceited liar!" She spat at me after she found out I betrayed her by being in Vocal Adrenaline and egging her.

"I know," I said, taking it. Because she was right.


	17. Chapter 17

**discrepancy, n.**

"Was any of it real, or was it all just some plot to win a show choir championship?"

It was real. I did love you.

"Why would you go and hurt me when I told you I couldn't take it?"

I didn't mean to hurt you.


	18. Chapter 18

**dissimulate, v.**

She thought that I hated her. She thought that I was lying to her the whole time. She thought that singing with her was a plot to get her to fall for me. She thought that I didn't love her.

She thought.

Well, she was wrong.


	19. Chapter 19

**dream, n.**

Her dream was to be a star on broadway. Her dream was to meet her mother. Her dream was to get as far away from me as possible.

My dream was to make her dreams come true.


	20. Chapter 20

**effulgent, adj.**

Seeing her smile made her look like she swallowed the sun.


	21. Chapter 21

**elucidate, v.**

Getting her to explain what she was thinking was never an issue. Not once did I have to pry open her mind to find out what she was thinking. She would always explain, no matter how significant or insignificant her thought were. It was awful, yet, it was the most wonderful thing in the world.


	22. Chapter 22

**fashion, n.**

I always appreciated the animal sweaters and the short skirts and the colorful tights Rachel wore. People made fun of her for it, but I loved it.

I loved anything that reminded me of her.

I loved her.


	23. Chapter 23

**Fire, n.**

It was ironic: I knew for a fact the only kiss Rachel had had before me was with Hudson. Yet, her fingers always left a feeling behind as they graced my skin, and her lips always felt so hot against mine. For someone so inexperienced, she was very good at knowing what I liked.

I think it has to do with passion.

Rachel does everything with passion.

She wants almost everything too much. I didn't mind it though. It was what made her special.

It was what I couldn't stop thinking about, despite the number of times I had told myself our relationship is over.


	24. Chapter 24

**Flexible, adj.**

Rachel used to pair up with me at Ballet Club. She could contort her long legs into the craziest positions. It was insane. She was truly one of a kind.


	25. Chapter 25

**Gold, n.**

"Gold stars are of my thing," she said, staring up at me. It was the first time I had been inside of her room. There was a large gold star plastered on her door, as well as gold stars strewn around her room. It made me smile. She was like me. Driven and ambitious and in love with Broadway. It was a perfect fit.


	26. Chapter 26

**Grammar, n.**

None of her texts were ever hard to read. She always texted like she spoke: with clear fiction and interesting syntax.

_I miss you.-J_

_Your going to be very happy to see what I got you for your birthday.-R_

_SHIT.-R_

_*You're going to be very happy to see what I got you for your birthday.-R_


	27. Chapter 27

**Guilty, adj.**

I could never forget the way her eyes flashed with pain as she looked into mine at Regionals. Seeing her so upset made my showface slip.

But I looked in her direction as I accepted the trophy for Vocal Adrenaline.

She had tears threatening to fall and I hated that I had to choose between her and my future. I loved her.


	28. Chapter 28

**Heart, n.**

Rachel's glee club always made fun of her. I had stayed with her countless times after school when she had to wash the remaining slushie out of her hair that she couldn't get out in the bathroom sink.

She told me how much they insulted her.

I didn't understand it. Rachel had one of the biggest hearts I had ever known.

Obviously, she was selfish and bossy and she was ambitious. But she was passionate.

She was the heart of the New Directions. No one appreciated her for it. Whenever something went wrong and someone left the choir room, Rachel was there, pulling them back in, offering her friendship no matter how cruel they were in return.

That's why he loved her. She loved everything and everyone wholeheartedly.


	29. Chapter 29

**Hello, n.**

Singing with you for the first time in the music store was an eyeopening experience. You were truly the only singing partner I have ever had that matched me vocally.

That's when I knew we had something special.

And I knew it was doomed from the moment Shelby found out I was dating you. She told me to help her connect with you, and then make my way back to Vocal Adrenaline.

I truly am sorry. I shouldn't have let you go. Now it's too late.


	30. Chapter 30

**Hudson, n.**

I knew you always go back to Finn. You've been in love with the idea of that giant since you met him.

I don't understand it, Rachel. You have nothing in common with Finn. He doesn't respect you for your personality. He always tells you you talk too much, he never defends you, and he laughs when you're insulted.

You deserve better Rachel. I don't know if I'm the one who can provide that... but you still deserve better.


	31. Chapter 31

**Initials, n.**

You were named after Streisand: R.B.B, for Rachel Barbra Berry. It's funny how your dads already knew who was going to be your biggest idol before you grew up.

Mine are J.S.S.J, for Jesse Stephen St. James. My parents didn't know at the time that My biggest idol was Stephen Sondheim. I was actually named after my grandfather, although I tell people differently.

And that's the difference between us: you've known who you want to be since before you were born. You've known that you wanted to be on Broadway since you were six. And I still don't know what I want to do, aside from UCLA. Although we're both driven to excellence, your drive always exceeds my expectation. And I miss it deeply.


	32. Chapter 32

**injury, n.**

I wasn't there when you had been cursed by laryngitis. You didn't call me to tell me. Even though we were fighting, I would have wanted to know. I would have come back.

Because no one gets you like I do, Rachel. You told me that Hudson said that your voice wasn't all there was about you to like, but then he couldn't name anything else he liked about you. But I can:

Because I love you for your ambition. I love you for your large, forgiving heart. I love the way you want everything too much. I love the fact that you are a diva. I love the fact that you spend three extra hours everyday outside of glee club, practicing by yourself, to make sure that you are getting better. I love that you know that you are the star. I love your laugh. I love your smile. I love your ability to be the best at everything you do, no matter what it is. I love your cooking skills. I love your brilliance. I love your passion.

And I hate the fact that no one can see that but me. I hate the fact that nobody knows you special you are, even without your voice.


	33. Chapter 33

**jubilation, n.**

When we sing together, and our voices blend, I know that I've reached the height of my happiness. I when you laugh as we finish, I can't help but stare and wish the sound would pour out from your lips more often.


	34. Chapter 34

**juxtaposition, n.**

We are so similar, in theory, yet we are so different.

We're both divas, and we both would rather perform than do anything else in the world; but we're much more than that.

You are loyal. Loyal to your team, loyal to me. Your heart is filled with so much love, that you get sidetracked sometimes. But me, my heart the opposite. I'm working on it, though. I swear.


	35. Chapter 35

**kind, adj.**

I swore your heart is bigger than anyone's I had ever known. And I didn't want you to get hurt. I promise I didn't want that.

When I came back for your prom, you forgave me. I had spent four hours in my car, thinking of something, anything to say to you.

I forgot that I could have just been honest and you would've known that I was telling the truth. Because you're great at reading people. I'm only great at reading you. And I've always known that your heart was fragile and that you give second chances to those you feel deserve it.


	36. Chapter 36

**kinetic, adj.**

We were sitting in the McKinley auditorium, talking during lunch. After a particularly beautiful duet we shared, we sat in the seats in the front row.

We were whispering because we knew that voices in the auditorium carried. And this moment was private.

"Hey, Jess?" You asked, looking up at me with bright eyes.

"Mhm?"

"How would you describe me?" you asked, like my answer was oxygen.

"What do you mean?" I asked, taking your hand in mine and lacing our fingers together. You shrugged.

"In one word, how would you describe me?... And you can't say Barbra," you smiled.

I sat for a moment before the words reached my lips.

"Kinetic," I smiled, knowing I had found the perfect word to describe you.

Something about you screamed sparks and motion. You were a star, shining brighter than anyone else. I could see it in the way you lived your life. You always reached out to other people, gathering energy. Including me.


	37. Chapter 37

**lazy, adj.**

We had planned to go out to dinner. We were wearing our nicest outfits.

"Can we just... Stay in tonight?" You asked, and your eyes flashed with the fear of rejection.

"Sure. What else did you have in mind?" I questioned.

"Karaoke. In our pajamas," you smiled. And suddenly, it sounded like the best idea in the world.


	38. Chapter 38

**legs, n.**

Yours were always my favorite.


	39. Chapter 39

**linchpin, n. **

Everybody took you for granted. Including me. You are worth so much. You're the heart of your club. You're the one that makes sure everybody comes back.


	40. Chapter 40

**loud, adj.**

When I heard you singing Barbra at sectionals, I was convinced you were wearing a mic. Because someone with such a little body should not be able to have a voice like yours.


	41. Chapter 41

**love, v.**

I did. And I still do.


	42. Chapter 42

**loyal, adj.**

Even when I told you that there was a spot waiting for you in Vocal Adrenaline, you didn't take it. You didn't even consider it.


	43. Chapter 43

**meticulous, n.**

I know that you color coordinate your collection of musicals based on genre. And I know that if your dads come into your room and move anything around, you become extremely irritated, but you never confront them. You just spend time putting your things back where they belong, humming beautifully to calm yourself down.


	44. Chapter 44

**misgivings, n.**

I wanted to ask if you ever regretted being with me.

I never did. I should've; but I didn't. I couldn't bear knowing that you wanted to take it all back.


	45. Chapter 45

**motif, n.**

I wish I could take it all back.I wish I could take it all back.I wish I could take it all back.I wish I could take it all back.I wish I could take it all back./div


	46. Chapter 46

**narcissistic, adj.**

You thought I was lying when I told you I didn't own a full length mirror. I thought it was humorous that you believed someone as talented as you and me wouldn't put time into their appearance.


	47. Chapter 47

**negligent, adj.**

After I crushed that egg on your head, I realized that it looked like I had completely false motives while we were dating. I'm sorry.


	48. Chapter 48

**noise, n.**

I know it's tacky, but the sound of your laughter was always my favorite song.


	49. Chapter 49

**oath, n.**

"Promise me that we'll be okay?" You asked me one night when we started dating.

"I promise," I told you. I'm sorry that things ended differently.


	50. Chapter 50

**opinion, n.**

God knows we both have plenty of those.


	51. Chapter 51

**outgoing, adj.**

I loved how you could walk up to strangers and talk as if you'd known them for years. It was amazing.


End file.
